My darling son D19 is a beautifully bright and articulate young man. He does not drink or smoke nor does he or has he ever taken any illegal drugs. He does not stay out getting drink with his friends till 3am on the morning or further more not come home at all, leaving me waiting up all night wondering if he is okay and when or if he will be home safe. Often my friends and I actually discuss how autism and a teenager may be a better deal than a ‘normal’ teenager.
He is loyal to a fault, loves unconditionally and when he gives his heart he gives it 500%. He has only ever loved one girl and she is still the one that is his heart and his one. I think she is too.
This girl is a little younger than he. She is also extremely bright so they have the most intellectually fascinating conversations. I think that is also something he misses; her brain. Yes she is actually beautiful and incredibly bright. Jackpot.
The funny part, not as in ha ha funny but quite sad funny is that I think I may have had a lot to do with their relationship falling apart. That is a burden that I carry with me everyday as the heart break and sadness of losing her engulfs his ever breath.
This might sound crazy but this young girl intimidated me. I’m serious. I didn’t know how to take her and I never really put in the effort to find out. This place is crazy. The two little ones make ever moment of the day and night stressful and so I didn’t invite her over often.
It was never because I didn’t want to but because I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that this beautiful young woman would look at this nut house and run away screaming.
I was scarred I wouldn’t be someone she would want in her life forever and that I would blow it for my darling son. Little did I know that she took my keeping her at arms length as not wanting to know her or not wanting her as part of this family when in reality I kept her at arms length because I so desperately wanted her as part of this family.
I wanted her to like us. To see past the autism. Past the craziness and just see that we loved her. See that with the craziness and all we were a family she might just want to stick around for. But I never gave her that chance and I didn’t have enough faith in her and I’m paying the ultimate price for that now. My heart broken boy.
The bottom line is I was jealous. How three year old is that. D19 rang one day and casually told me he was staying down in Melbourne for Christmas. I was devastated and ensured that devastation was known. It was hurt more than anything.
Hurt with a load of sadness thrown in. You see this was my year. 2012 I achieved so much. I came out of my cave of grief after losing my son Robert and I was looking forward to Christmas for the first time in a decade. In ten years.
Them ten years had been pretty horrific and the only one constant through it all was D19. He was the one who literally wiped my tears when i cried, made sure I ate as I withered away to nothing and who held me in his arms as I had seizures. I haven’t had a seizure for eight years now but the stresses of Roberts death brought them to a horrific head as my brain imploded in on itself trying to deal with my loss.
Through it all D19 was the only one that was there and never gave up on me. On his mum. It was D19′s words that made me realise I was still alive when in 2011 through tears he begged me to be his mum again. He told me that Robert died, not me. He begged me to be okay and this past Christmas was the first one I actually was. In many ways I fought so hard to be well for him and so the thought of him not being there was a little more than I could bare.
Not only that. The mother in law. This girls mum. Seriously is the mother in law you could only dream of. I’m actually being serious. She is caring and open, funny and a little naughty thrown in there. Her and D19 are firm friends and than throw in the dad who is pretty darn awesome too and I have the Brady bunch on their side running along the Addams family here. I was screwed. How could I keep up?
The thing was I didn’t realise was that it isn’t about keeping up. I was so worried about this beautiful family accepting my nut house because autism invades every corner of it that I didn’t stop to remember that they already had. D19 has autism. D19 is autistic and they loved him.
I’m such a fool. But I’m a fool that is standing up to say I’m sorry to my darling son. Sorry to his girl who he adores but is no longer with and sorry to the family that have my boy everything and more that I could ever wish for in a family other than this one. Unconditional love.
D19 learnt a lot from losing his girl. He was doing things but with nowhere near the effort they deserved. That is all changing around here.
He went and got a makeover and omg he looks like a new man. He is studying digital media computing this year. He is taking his driving lessons more serious. Ps on the 26th March here we come. He is eating better, not eating rubbish and working out. He is spending time with his friends. His best friend who is a girl (Miss Cinders daughter) is funny to watch as she brings him in line. But more than all these things he is trying to understand life. How his brain works and how he can be the best person he is meant to be.
I’m not sure what tomorrow holds. Do I hope (and pray every night) that this girl will give him another chance. Absolutely. I think we all learnt a lot about moving forward from this amazing family.
I learnt that this isn’t about losing a son but gaining the one thing I have been missing in my life. A girl to love. Love as a daughter.
All I hope is that she can see past my issues straight into the heart of my darling son who loves her. With all he is or will ever be. I hope she can see that and know that this time it will be different.
It took D19 to not only lose his girl but her amazing family to make me realise just what I lost also.
A girl that loved a boy. My boy who happens to be my adored son and she loved him with all her heart. What more could any mother EVER ask for?
I’m linking up with Jess over at Essentially Jess for IBOT.
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